sweet dreamz

Saturday, October 01, 2011

Seeing so many of my friends enjoying parenthood. I m really happy for them.

I really think and feel that they r ready to be a mother. To sacrifice for their child.

But the idea of me getting pregnant is freaking me out. The thought of another burden is weighing me down.

With a child, whatever I do have to be at their interest first. Whatever I earn will be for their expenditure first. Whatever I buy will be for them. They will always be first and no more me.

I see many mothers losing their identity in the house. At least last time they r the precious apple of their husband's eye. After child birth, the children stand in the limelight, in between ur marriage. You will no longer be the woman of the house. You become the Mother or rather is just a nicer appointment of the Slave. You r responsible if ur child is hungry, fall sick, has exams/ competitions, don't do well, has a gf/Bf, get in trouble in school, ill mannered etc. But the Father will be most probably simply financing the fees, attend award presentations, blame the Mother why the child turns bad.

Is always the case of unbalanced responsibility that results in fights. The Mother don't feel loved and the Father simply only love the kids.

Since life is already design to be unfair where woman goes through prenatal n postnatal stress, child birth pain, in laws unadaptation, why can the man make things easier and for woman to feel more appreciated?

Was reading on some medieval tortures, all these are designed by men, ESP those with low self esteem. Otherwise why r the punishment for men so straight forward like hanging but is a long painful process for womean like drowning in pits or ripping off their breasts alive or even bury and stoning them to death?

Women suffered too much. And is add on from the actions of stupid men.

writtern @10/01/2011 10:43:00 am

I m angry. I was angry. I really don't know why u n her have to force me like that. Forcing me to a corner, making me breakdown in front of my colleagues.

Ah.. How I wished I have a hole to just hide in there.

Even when I reach home. All I wan was a good dinner then a good sleep. Maybe just simple baking to make myself feel better. I'm very tired and more tired after the stress rendered by u n diana.

Why can't both of u leave me alone? Why must u force me to meet u or she must force me to meet her? By seeing my face, would that solve the problem?

What's and where's the I will respect ur decision to do whatever u wan? U r forcing me to do things I don wan.

I don't know if both of u communicate beforehand. But receiving both ur SMS n call frustrate me and I feel that there is no other path for me to go. I hate being trap like this. I'm not ur prey.

I don wan to listen to anyone and follow wat other ppl want me to do. I just want to do it my way. I'm no longer 19 yrs old. When I say I don wanna see u, I meant it. I do not wish for u to come surprise me like tt.

Yes I said I was falling in love. And that is exactly the reason that brought my tears today. Yes u r stupid, but I m simply dumb. To start to hv faith in this whole thing again. To think I can still try to be a neutral party in the new family.

Now I know I shud not have. I shud not hv tried to interact. So there will b no opinion from me on her. So there will be no sandwiching of u on between and u feeling that why can't I've a normal or better DIL?

Simply becos I choose not to. I choose not to fulfill anything more than a basic guest in the house. I m not even willing to fulfill basic duties of DIL which includes the birth of their golden grandchild.

I used tok much time n energy to adapt into the new house n family culture. I m just not getting it.

Even at my mom house she is constantly bugging on grandchild. And the stress level builds on. Looking at other children everyday, their wailings and demands irks me.

Looking at other's wedding, I realized that I m so not prepared for a marriage. I m not prepared to bow down to practical issue of in laws and reproduction.

U keep saying that the day u said the vow u meant it. I meant it too. That's why when it came from you, it hurts.

writtern @10/01/2011 12:50:00 am