Wonder wat i'm doing at this wee hours? i've been tossing in my bed for the past hour, trying to get myself into slp.. but i've failed.. my brain refused to stop work.. i dun know why.. suddenly i think of many things... like the tsunami attack, my studies, my relationship with Baby, my friends, Alex, my parents and many more.. when i off the fan, i feel too quiet to slp.. when i switched it on, i find it too cold to slp.. maybe it's just a fear of slping alone.. of being lonely... i feel guilty.. towards many things n many ppl.. is it becos of the lies i said, regardless of intentional or not...or is it becos i just had a unfinished business with them.. maybe is becos i care for them? hmm... i dun know....
Wednesday i'm supposed to go clubbing with my friends.. which supposedly means having fun.. but some how i'm feeling a bit empty n disappointed.. esp when Bryan didn't want to go with me.. i know the rules of clubbing.. no couples.. plus he is not able to afford it as well.. hence i'm feeling reluctant to go now.. but i'm not blaming him.. maybe is my dominance again.. my ego? hmm..
Suddenly the thought of alex comes to mind.. suddenly i felt like preparing his birthday present.. a parker pen... i remembered promising him one of the parkers... when i felt that he is mature enuff to receive one.. but i know i'll not get to see that day... so i tot of giving him one in advance.. just in case we do not get to meet again in our life.. maybe it's this unaccomplished promise that bothers me? or is it just another excuse for me to do something to atone wat i've done to hurt him? i dun know..
Suddenly i have some much to say but i dun know how to put them down in words.. thoughts flashes pass.. too fast for me to catch n remember them... memory is failing me.. i dun know why...
Bryan comes to mind again.. i'm missing him.. i wanna tok to him now... nope..maybe i just wanna listen to him.. his voice, even his preaching... just him.. i'm feeling empty again... but the little angel is asleep.. shh...
I dun know why.. but i feel like crying.. my mind is getting a little too complicated for me.. i'm trying to type as fast as possible to capture everything.. just like my typing.. it's very messy...n it comes in segments...incompleted..
Incompleted? maybe becos of the way i do things.. i never complete a thing.. tt's why it's retributing on me.. giving me unfinished thoughts..i dun know why... but after typing so much.. i'm still not tired.. i'm still wide awake.. i wanna call Bryan.. but should i be selfish n disturb his rest? he looks tired.. maybe i should not...
Y am i lying to him? y m i hiding my feelings from him? i wasn't feeling good just now.. but i acted i was... y? i tried to tell him i was sad with some unknown things..but when he prompted.. i insisted i was alright.. y m i doing such things? can someone tell me abt this? pls explain this phenomenon to me... shud i still ask him out tml? i always wanna see him.. to keep him by my side.. but i'm getting too possessive.. unlike the ger he knew initially.. he wanted a ger who is more independent n this is wat he got? i dun know why....