sweet dreamz

Monday, April 23, 2007

Freak out! i m still 2 tutorials away from my full revision... and tmr is my paper...

Tmr is the start and it takes no longer than 11 days to end....

i am already in the holiday mood... totally dun even feel like doing this whole exam..

but i dun wan to stay back.. i wan to graduate!

dun know what i'm toking.. have been surfing blogs.. so boring.. cos not much updates.. and dun know what do..

writtern @4/23/2007 06:38:00 pm

Friday, April 20, 2007

I used to imagine myself as someone who dares to love and hate...

Someone who can leave suavely after a breakup..

But after many hiccups.. i realised that i can't.. simply can't

It definitely hurts.. becos it is impossible that i dun put in any effort into the relationship...

i realised a difference between griefing for a relationship and the departure of a kin(death).

To me... i avoided the idea of my father all the time after his death.. i refused to think of him. i simply refused to talk about him.. i just dun wan to remember him..

i dun wan to remember how alike we were in terms of attitude...

i dun wan to remember how he used to bring us out to arcades..

I refused to recall how he will buy/ make us toys and only care abt playing with us while my mother fussed abt our academic..

I dun wan to remember him buying breakfast for me and i just rushed to school w/o touching the food...

I dun wan to remember how i would negotiate with him to persuade him in buying me a soft toy, a discman for scoring first in class and my first Fann wong cd..

I dun wan to remember how i used to share a bed with him and climbing on top of his stomach, asking silly questions

I dun wan to remember that i regret.. i regret that i did not talk to him much.. that i used to have cold wars with him.. that i slam my door into his face for peeping my letters..

I dun wan to know that he cannot attend my graduation which he wud be very proud of..

There is so much memories that are too painful to be recalled.. there are so much regrets that i have...

I dun wan to remember.. but sylvia reminded me.. i need to grief..

Indeed.. i was kinda forced to grief..

i dun know why.. but i was stranded in front of my old blk.. facing the familiar coffeeshops where my family used to spent countless dinner time..

i looked at the scene and look forth to my bus.. it did not come..

slowly i saw us.. when my family was happy once again.. when my father play badminton with me n my bro every weekend.. where he brought us cycling and i fell down..

i can't help but sat at the bus stop crying... much as i told myself that i dun wan to cry anymore.. much as i told myself and everyone else.. i need to be strong.. for my family now.. i m the sole breadwinner now..

i dun wan to.. but God made me grief... for my regrets.. for his unspoken love

writtern @4/20/2007 11:41:00 pm

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

i can't expect too much from a student when i myself is not a good student.

exams next week.. i try to study.. but is simply too slow... sian.. and u know.. it is just so difficult to concentrate. i think u know..

little hiccup during my lessons.. thou i'm told that it is not my fault... it does affect me slightly.. i still start to doubt if i'm cut out to be a teacher..

i know nobody is perfect.. and one's style can't suit all..

but i know that even if given a chance.. i wud still do the same things.. i wun ignore the fact that my student is rude to me and laugh it off.

in fact that chap is too much like me.. and i felt i know what is his thinkings.. STUBBORN. haha..

oh god.. pls give me strength to conquer this last hurdle.. and i dun wan to do it again.. at least not on the subject that i totally had no interest in doing at tertiary level..

dun worry. i'm still pretty positive and optimistic.. i am still reminding myself to be appreciative to people ard me everyday.. i am still learning to pick the correct tone and words for my daily conversations..

i am still trying to be perfect everyday... and i know it is not easy.. i will accept failures and try again..

writtern @4/17/2007 06:09:00 pm

Monday, April 16, 2007

writtern @4/16/2007 11:58:00 am

Sunday, April 08, 2007

writtern @4/08/2007 11:21:00 pm

thank u all my friends who have been worrying and caring for me.

Not to worry.. i'm living on well.. with my mum, brother and uncle..

definitely there is a restructure in my family.. be it good or bad.. we are sure to cherish everyone more now..

thank u for ur generosity... we manage to settle the funeral smoothly.. with all the help and understanding of many friends and relatives..

i am still very busy with work and upcoming exam.. everyday i will fall asleep after a tired day. wake up afresh and feel good to charge again..

i have my definite goals now.. for myself, my family..

realli thank u for ur love and care for this crucial time..

thank u all the caring visits and calls.. appreciate that.. realli touched my heart...

To my dear.. thank u baby.. all the understanding and patient.. the selfless care to make sure i slp well.. to lighten my load.. to company me when i need you.. realli.. I love you..

writtern @4/08/2007 12:41:00 am