First let me wish u a happy new year.. actualli this wasn't meant to be the opening statement.. but i didn't wanna sound so pessimistic in the new year..
My dear n his frds are playing mahjong.. i sat n watched tv.. n now i start thinking of nonsensical things again...
something strikes me.. PAIN
There will be times when we know that some things are right or wrong, obviously.. most things are grey by nature thou..
There are times we will allow ourself to do something wrong like jaywalking...
There are many reasons to it.. it may shorten ur time, it may make u feel good.. u may find love n comfort, u may be successful.. n the list goes on..
I always recalled that on a few incidents.. i allow myself to follow my heart.. to just 'do it' no matter right or wrong, ethical or not.. these happen commonly in relationship..
I remembered vivdly that i had a bf that didn't love me at all.. taking me as a replacement for another friend and senior.. i chose this cos i adored him too much.. but i was treated like rubbish.. those were the days.. where i do not get appreciated.. n i knew that this wud be the outcome right FROM the start.. (wat was i tinking then?) That's y i was thoroughly hurt.. i rem telling myself not to be too involved into him.. but there was nothing that cud stop me..it was just silly business when i recall it now.. but i still feel that pain when i recall his words.. when he say how his previous gf ( the senior) wanna broke up with him n he was so sad.. i hid my disappointment..
I had a bf whom i trusted almost with everything i can.. but in the end i was disappointed as well.. n having to take in an almost ridiculous answer for what he did was a joke.. nevertheless.. we stayed on.. but feelings are gone..Thou we have memorable things... we learnt from each other.. grew with each other.. i still rem i used to love him.. whole heartedly.. but those were the past.. but what stays are no longer the love.. what stays is the scar from the hurting.. i even dreamt of the kinda heartpain i got when i know that he got another gf recently.. things are over.. we can onli hope time fade things away.. but normalli love goes n pain stays..
Now my boy is a boy.. a boy-boy.. haha.. if u know what i mean.. i know he loves me WHOLEheartedly.. but i think i have seen enough pain.. maybe not a lot to represent anything.. but at least i m not harping all my hopes n wishes on one person.. maybe that causes too much stress.. i m open to meet new ppl.. to get married in a few years time is just another dream, almost impossible with him..
I had ppl telling me that he foresee that we will be very happy together.. but in the end.. i stressed him too much and it became an emotional torture.. i was hurt once again.. he was pissed too then..
if u can tell.. what i wan is simple.. in general, i wanna give love n feel love.. it is a action-reaction thing.. but things are always straining when u become too close together.. even as friends... i can change, i can learn if i wan to. but chances are too little n wat is needed to learn is too much.. what i can say is.. Just let me lead a simple love life.. i dun nid something "hong hong lie lie".. let me have a straight path.. i will grow my own flowers along it..
My leg.. see how bruised it is.. after i went to work at WWW n fell into a drain.. damn.. poor me
